“In case you are simply triggered, I would not watch this video,” mentioned Camryn earlier than opening up about habit, melancholy and suicide.
YouTuber Camryn Clifford posted an almost 37-minute video, wherein she revealed how her husband, 19-year-old Landon Clifford, died earlier this month.
Camryn, whose Cam&Fam YouTube channel has 1.35 million subscribers, first revealed Landon died earlier this week, however did not initially share any particulars apart from confirming he had been in a coma earlier than his dying.
In a video shared to her channel on Thursday, which has already been seen over 1.1 million instances, Clifford tearfully recounted her husband’s wrestle with nervousness, melancholy and ADHD, earlier than explaining how she discovered him of their storage, having hung himself, on August 13.
“That is undoubtedly going to be the toughest video I’ve ever needed to make,” she started. “It took some time for me to clearly recover from the preliminary shock and to simply collect my emotions and my ideas and to really feel like I am prepared to inform his story. It is a vital story to be maintain and it is my job to inform it, but it surely’s not a simple story to inform, in any respect.”
Whereas Camryn mentioned she has all the time been open together with her battles with nervousness and melancholy, Landon would “hardly” share his with anybody, together with his household or mates.
“Behind the scenes, he was all the time simply sort of going by means of his personal stuff,” she mentioned. “He has had psychological well being points for so long as I’ve recognized him.”
Based on Camryn, Landon began falling into melancholy when she received pregnant with the couple’s second little one, Delilah — although she would not consider there was a correlation between the child and his psychological well being.
“Many components simply sort of contributed to the very fact his psychological well being wasn’t nice,” she mentioned, explaining he went to a psychiatrist and received again on ADHD remedy, anti-depressants and nervousness meds.
Camryn mentioned her husband “did the fitting factor” by discovering assist, however fell right into a sample of highs and lows as he began abusing the meds. “He fell right into a gap,” she mentioned, calling it “a really, very vicious cycle” that was “very unhealthy.”
When their second daughter was born, the 2 had been “each actually completely satisfied” for a short while, however “it hit us actually exhausting” once they began adjusting to having two children. The 2 determined to take a break from YouTube — with Camryn calling it “mentally exhausting” to maintain filming movies the place every part appeared completely satisfied — and he went to stick with his household to work on getting off the medication and work on his psychological well being.
Issues began wanting up once they reunited and received right into a more healthy routine. However, on August 13, every part modified.
Whereas Landon “appeared like he was having a very good day,” Camryn may inform “one thing was flawed” that night. “He mentioned he was sorry for every part he put me by means of. It was actually exhausting on me after I was pregnant and he was heavy in his habit and he wasn’t himself throughout that point and he was apologizing to me for every part,” she mentioned.
“I may inform he was placing a whole lot of blame on himself. I talked to him, I instructed him that I beloved him and I forgave him and issues had been completely different now,” she continued. “I gave him a hug, a kiss and I instructed him I like him and that it is okay and that it doesn’t matter what he ever did, I might all the time love him and be right here for him. After that he appeared okay.”
Landon mentioned he was going to take a break — one thing which was a part of his each day routine — however after 30 minutes, he hadn’t returned. Camryn mentioned she searched all the home for him, however he was nowhere to be discovered.
“Then I went into the storage and after I opened the storage I noticed him, he had hung himself and he did not look alive,” she mentioned. “He was very pale and I used to be in a lot shock. It took me a second to appreciate that it was really occurring. I ran to the kitchen, I grabbed a knife and I reduce him down.”
She known as 9-1-1, however did not really feel a pulse. “I knew in that second that he was gone,” she mentioned. “There is no such thing as a phrases to explain how I felt at the moment.”
Paramedics had been capable of get a pulse and introduced him to the hospital, the place he remained in a coma and was declared braindead. Camryn and his household then mentioned their goodbyes. Earlier than his dying, Landon determined to donate his organs — with Camryn remarking, “even in dying he was caring for different individuals”
“There was no notice, no rationalization, however I do know him very nicely. I am going to by no means actually know the reply, however I do know Landon and I do know he was not pondering rationally,” she continued. “He is a really impulsive particular person and he does issues with out pondering. I feel he felt responsible about how every part has gone for the previous 12 months and I feel he simply felt like a burden and we would be higher off with out him, which is so removed from the reality.”
“I do know that if he would have thought of it, he would have thought concerning the truth I would be the one to search out him and he would have thought of all of the harm he would trigger me and he would have thought of his daughters rising up with him,” mentioned Camryn by means of tears. “He would not have completed it, if he would have thought of it extra, as a result of he is such a loving, compassionate particular person. The very last thing he would need is for any of us to really feel this fashion.”
Camryn mentioned she was telling this story so individuals on the market may hear “what comes after” somebody takes their life.
“I do know, deep down, that you just care about your family members, I do know Landon did and you might want to take into consideration that earlier than you do it, take into consideration who’s gonna have to search out you,” she mentioned. “Take into consideration everybody who loves you.”
“He simply had a lot extra life to reside.”
In case you or somebody you realize is fighting melancholy or has had ideas of harming themselves or taking their very own life, get assist. The Nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) offers 24/7, free, confidential assist for individuals in misery.